Friends

It's easy to forget that Facebook "Friends" aren't necessarily really "friends." Oh, they may be people with whom one is "friendly" but they are often just acquaintances, folks who have shared a common experience or passed through the same school or job; been in the same show, commented on the same blog or shared the same bloodline somewhere along the way. Some are even one friend removed, a casual friend of a casual friend.

Now, I have nothing against frivolous social networking. I've certainly posted my fair share of pictures and comments and badgered "friends" to join causes, buy tickets for plays, read this blog. And I've enjoyed other people's similar self expression. But "friend" can be a dangerous term if one starts to believe it.

Textual conversation always runs a risk of being misunderstood. Especially electronic text, which can be sent more quickly than one can consider how the reader might interpret it. Emoticons not withstanding, it is difficult to express sarcasm, or self deprecation, or a friendly wink and a smile in a two line post. In the early days of the Internet, I used to teach night courses in which I cautioned students to be careful what they put in emails - it is so easy to be taken literally, or be misunderstood, or worse to be understood perfectly in a message for which one wishes the "send" button had never been clicked.

But with friends, chatting real time or in wall-to-wall posting, this wouldn't be such a big deal. Because friends know each other. They have a history together, know what kind of person each other is, know the kind of things one would never say, or at least never mean. And, with that comfort, say things to each other in ways that they would never say to strangers. Or casual acquaintances. As simple as pet names, as complex as monotonic satire.

And when real friends hurt or shock or disappoint each other, they can talk about it.

But without that history, without that understanding of who the other party is at heart, hurt and shock and disappointment are all too easy to ignite. To be clear, I'm not personally worried about being on the receiving end. I'm both so easy going and so thoroughly calloused that it is hard to hurt or shock me. And since I tend to have no expectations and give the benefit of the doubt to people until I learn otherwise, disappointment is a rare feeling.

I am sure, however, that I've been on the delivery side of all three. My friends know that I can have a caustic wit, and have a hard time resisting a funny line even if it is a sharp one. My friends know that I don't mean a harsh thing against any one of them, that I am even more likely to direct quips towards myself than anyone. My friends know what kind of person I am, what I believe, what sides I take and so know when I am being straightforward and when I am using hyperbole or sarcasm to make the opposite point. My friends put up with it, or appreciate it, or like it and join in. If they don't, they probably aren't going to stay friends long.

I use myself as an example, but I'm fairly certain we all do it. We develop lines of communication with our friends, sometimes over our whole lives, where things can go without saying. Because they've already been said. And to folks who haven't heard all of those things that are too long to use as preface to every single two line comment on their posts simply have to take things at face value, tinted by their own feelings that the commenter probably does not anticipate.

I'm not going to apologize for not delivering my whole life story as background color every time I talk to a friend. After a while, the aggregate of items posted by an individual on a semi-public forum will tell what kind of person that individual is. And some time along the way, others on the network will have to decide whether it is the type of person they want for a friend. And if it isn't, what the person says really shouldn't matter that much.