Faux News Special Report

Transcript:

Ladies and gentlemen, today is the day that every newsman looks forward to with a chill in his bowels. Two score and twice two years ago, our nation defeated both fascism and an evil imperial empire with the most devastatingly awesome weapon ever created. Over the next decades, as two opposing ideologies built great stores of these terrible weapons, giants among men - men like Murrow, Reasoner, Cronkite, Doocey - lived with the fear and pride of knowing that the solemn duty might fall someday to them: to announce the end of civilization as we know it.

And then, having emerged unscathed from that dark and cold war, we found ourselves confonted with an even more profound threat; and now it falls to me, Stephen B Hamilton, a man whose giant shoes no clown could fill, to make the terrible pronouncement to all Americans that have basic cable:

Healthcare Reform has passed.
America, I urge you to remain calm. Panic will only result in higher blood pressure and occasional bumps and bruises, leading to the possibility of dreaded waiting rooms.

All over this once great nation, people from all walks of life - but mostly the poor, the suffering, the unemployed - previously free from the o'erhanging threat of socialized - or any other - medical care, are phoning doctors for appointments, and in some cases being told that they might have to wait days - even weeks - for the privilege of being stripped, weighed, measured, tested, questioned about their most private bodily functions. Some will be poked with needles, others connected to machines; many will be drugged. Ampecillan, Ativan, Levatol, Lipator, the list goes on and on. Sources say that children - CHILDREN - sick, weak, coughing children will be forced to the front of the lines and ... taken first. Oh the humanity.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. This is very unprofessional.  

Even now, the Death Panels are being formed. Teams of jackbooted psychologists, social workers, clergy, medical and legal experts, and family counselors; just waiting to dole out free advice and explain the options to any American who choses to take advantage of the program. If that isn't fascism, well I don't know what is.

All over this great land, insurance company executives are being forced to list their private jets on EBay; and we know how effective that is. Shoe prices are poised to sore as excessive street dancing tears apart our very soles. And our beloved congressmen and women, those selfless men and women whom we always return to Washington because although everyone else's representatives are greedy theiving weasels our own are actually pretty good and funnel a lot of federal dollars our way, these poor abused creatures are now forced to deal with the same medical services which they have imposed upon the rest of us.

It is a sad day for America. And yet, this dark cloud has a silver lining. For you have been blessed with me, Stephen B Hamilton, to deliver the horrible news.

This has been Stephen B Hamilton, good night and stay well.